Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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