so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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