And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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