I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
