I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
