have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
