The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
