"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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