If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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