I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
