i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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