So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
