Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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