a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
