i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
