im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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