just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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