It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
