sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
