I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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