what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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