She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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