I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
