dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
