Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You are the jesus of drinking
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
