Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
