is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
