My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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