you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
only if we run a train.
done.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
