I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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