legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
