I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
