I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
