i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
