Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
