why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
