Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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