So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
