I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
