Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
