Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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