On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize