Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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