Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
