your parents love me but you hate me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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