im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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