Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
