We need to rekindle our bromance
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
