Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
