How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
operation have a gay friend backfired
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
How naked do you want me to be?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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