I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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