Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
