Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
