Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
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she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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